The Root Bound Purple People Eater
by Philote
Summary: Between the hallucinogenic poisons and the botanical mating rituals, Lorne was beginning to think he should have stayed in the Milky Way.


Title: The Root-Bound Purple People Eater

Author: Philote

Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: The characters and situations of _Stargate: Atlantis _do not belong to me. I make no money from this story. Please don't sue.

AN: Written for the 'bad sex' challenge on sgaflashfic.

Summary: Between the hallucinogenic poisons and the botanical mating rituals, Lorne was beginning to think he should have stayed in the Milky Way.

oOo

Waking was an entirely unpleasant experience.

His mouth felt as if it had been swabbed with cotton. There was a dull ache at the back of his skull, and his entire body felt heavy. Lorne forced his eyelids to flutter, only to squeeze them shut again when the bright lights assaulted him.

"I think he's coming around." The familiar voice was somewhere close on his left.

When he finally managed to squint at the bedside, he was greeted by a lopsided grin from an annoyingly cheery lieutenant colonel. "Welcome back."

His mouth was too dry to talk, too dry to even swallow. He made a gravelly sort of groan.

"Here, Major." He angled his head towards the soft voice and found Parrish offering an ice chip. He studied the botanist as the ice melted on his tongue, trying to remember how he'd gotten here.

Footsteps announced Dr. Beckett's approach as Sheppard caught his attention once more. "How ya' feeling?"

"Fuzzy," he blurted. Sheppard raised an eyebrow and looked suspiciously as if he were fighting a smile. Lorne frowned.

Beckett came closer, pushing Sheppard back a bit. "Do you remember what happened, lad?"

He furrowed his brow. He was remembering a string of odd things, but he wasn't entirely sure what was reality. Surely some of it had been morphine-laced nightmare.

He started with what he knew to be fact. "We went to P2X-595." His voice was still a mere croak, and he paused to accept another ice chip while he remembered the mission silently. It should have been simple enough; the planet was uninhabited aside from some small animals and the copious plant life. Parrish was in heaven, wandering around and exclaiming about the varying species. They'd all looked pretty much the same to Lorne.

Except for one. Yes, one had stood out.

"There was this funky purple plant," he finally ventured.

And when Parrish nodded in confirmation, he was forced to let the rest of the memories play.

He had seen the plant first and approached it, thinking it was just the sort of thing Parrish would go gaga over. Sure enough, there'd been much excitement when he'd called the botanist over. The long, purply-pink vines had looked harmless enough, except for the part where they were moving like the appendages of a decidedly sentient being. When Parrish had stepped close they had immediately started winding around him, clearly ensnaring him and pulling him in.

True to form when blinded by a new discovery, Parrish didn't seem to notice he was in danger. Lorne had grabbed him around the waist and spun him away, but not before one of the vines had latched onto his own ankle.

Suddenly there'd been more vines than he could count, all over him, restraining and tangling him. It had pulled him in towards its heart until he was completely off his feet. He remembered shouting, trying to get to his knife, and not understanding why the others weren't doing something, _anything_, to help him. Instead they had just stood there, staring at him and his attacker as if the circus had come to town.

He cast Parrish a narrow gaze and wondered where the rest of his cowards of a team had gotten to. "It tried to eat me."

Eyebrows shot up all around. "No, Major," Parrish began in an annoyingly placating tone. "You pricked a finger on one of its thorns."

And okay, yeah, he remembered that. It had happened right before the vines started moving, and it had hurt far more than it had any right to. But that hardly effected what had happened after.

When he'd been well and truly trapped, screaming at his teammates, the vines had begun moving even more sinisterly. They'd slithered up his legs, wrapping but not squeezing, almost seductive in their cadence. He was practically immobile by the time they reached his groin. There the tips had started to caress, and stroke…and prod.

It was then that he'd really panicked. He'd put up with a lot that two separate galaxies had dished out, but he wasn't going to take part in some perverted mating ritual that involved rape by carnivorous plant. He just _wasn't_.

He shifted uncomfortably at the memory. The three men gathered around his bed were watching him with varying degrees of concern, clearly waiting for him to speak. He just grimaced, deciding that if he had to spell this out, he was only going to say it to Beckett.

Blessedly, the doctor took pity on him. "The thorn delivered a poison, Major. A hallucinogenic, apparently. It's really quite fascinating."

Parrish lit up in agreement. Lorne shot him a dirty look to keep him quiet while he tried to process that. "So I was imagining it? It didn't try to eat me, or…"

"Or…" Sheppard prompted curiously.

If he was hallucinating a plant attacking him sexually, what did that say about his psychological issues? "Never mind," he mumbled.

Parrish spoke up. "Actually Major, the vines did secrete a sticky substance. I highly doubt it would be enough to restrain something your size, but as I'm sure you recall most of the animal life on P2X-595 is much smaller."

Lorne stared at him. "It wouldn't restrain something my size," he repeated doubtfully, as his memory was so contrary to that statement.

Parrish shook his head. "It wasn't. You sort of threw yourself into it. All the flailing about did serve to get you rather tangled up, but you still could have gotten out on your own."

Lorne sort of grunted noncommittally, but said nothing. What could he say? He snuck a glance at Sheppard and was relieved to find more understanding amusement than censure.

Parrish continued, "Now whether it actually takes some sustenance from the things it captures or is merely an assistant in the food chain is up for debate. It's all just theory right now, of course. Hopefully I'll know more after a few months of observation."

Lorne froze. Observation? _Months?_ "Parrish," he growled. "Tell me you did not bring that thing back here."

The botanist squirmed. Sheppard and Beckett exchanged an amused look before the doctor piped in, "It was quite helpful to have a sample of the poison, Major."

Lorne just continued to glare at his scientist.

Parrish blinked at him innocently. "Well, not that particular plant. The multiple rounds of ammunition did shred it to rather tiny pieces."

And yeah, he did remember finally getting the weapon untangled and raising it. He might even remember pressing the trigger. What he didn't remember was exactly where he'd been aiming at the time. He sat up abruptly, looking Parrish over more closely.

"I'm fine, Major. No one was shot. The plant was the only casualty." He brightened then, eyes lighting up suspiciously. "Luckily I was able to find another one to extract for study."

Lorne rolled his eyes, regretted it, and let his head flop back to the pillow. "And just when did you find the time for that?"

"While we were waiting for Coughlin to get the Jumper, and you were sitting on the ground rocking and refusing to let me or Reed within six feet of you. I was only making it worse by standing around and staring at you, so…"

He had no memory of that at all. And if he'd noticed Parrish playing with another of those things, he was sure he would have had something to say. He flushed slightly and tried to refocus the attention away from his behavior. "How exactly did you get one back? It was huge."

"This one is a much smaller specimen. Very young. I placed it in my case, so it was protected. I hope we'll be able to nurture it in the lab environment."

"Great. It can munch on the new recruits when they get out of line."

Sheppard smirked, appreciating the humor. Beckett sighed with the grudging tolerance of someone accustomed to the squabbles between military and science. "I really did need to examine the poison, Major. There was no telling what it might be doing to you beyond the hallucinations."

Well, that didn't sound good. "I'm all right?"

"Yes. You'll be fine—and probably thankful that I was able to safely administer pain medication."

Sheppard raised an eyebrow. "It's a good thing you had a botanist with you."

Odds were that he wouldn't have been anywhere near the funky purple people eater without his botanist, but Lorne knew better than to point that out. "Yes sir," he managed weakly. Then Beckett's comment about pain registered and he frowned. Was he injured? He glanced down, realizing for the first time that his hand was swathed in gauze. "I thought I just pricked one finger."

Parrish cleared his throat. "You did. The poison was obviously having a negative effect, and since we had no way of knowing if it might progress to a fatal point, well…we thought it best to treat it like snake venom. We tried to…extract it."

And…oh yeah. The hallucinations got worse. Because once his teammates had finally pulled him from the plant, then _they_ had attacked him. He remembered one running off before the other two were holding him on the ground, touching him forcefully and sucking on him…

He groaned. "You tried to suck out the poison?"

"That was the general idea. You…didn't take to it well."

And that was probably putting it mildly. He seemed to remember screaming and thrashing and possibly some comment to the effect of 'if you're so hot for sex, go visit the plant.'

"Reed had to hold you down," Parrish continued, looking a bit uncomfortable. "I may have bitten down a couple of times when you slapped me, and we had it bleeding too freely…"

"It was a sound decision for first aid," Beckett offered. "Even if it was ultimately unnecessary, it was still a proper choice given the circumstances."

Parrish shot the doctor a grateful look. Lorne sank into his pillow and wondered if he might get away with hiding under the covers.

Sheppard seemed to sense his discomfort. He cleared his throat and patted him on the leg with a, "Glad you're going to be all right, Major," and then made himself scarce. After a quick adjustment of the IV and an instruction to rest, Carson followed.

Parrish remained at his bedside. "On the bright side, Major, we did discover a new and unusual species. The mission can be considered a success."

Lorne narrowed his eyes at him and groused, "You are enjoying this far too much."

And just like that the light vanished, the teasing lilt leaving entirely. "There was really very little to enjoy at the time, Major," he said tightly.

That was his first real hint that this hadn't been just hilarious for everyone else. "Parrish?"

The botanist shifted, refusing to meet his eyes. "You were quite upset. You wouldn't let us console you; in fact you seemed pretty perturbed with us. For all we knew it was killing you while you got violent and yelled about…well, it wasn't really coherent." The climbing blush on his face suggested otherwise. "It was all very disconcerting."

He could imagine how difficult it would have been if this had happened to one of his men. How much worse would it be to have your leader panicking, screaming as if he were being raped right in front of you? "It sounds like you handled yourself well," he said aloud, trying to reassure. When he was rewarded with a shy, surprised smile he added, "You handled me well, too."

His brain caught up a few seconds later, and that sounded so wrong that he stuttered, "I meant the situation—you handled the situation well. Like a pro. Of course, you have been doing this for a while now…"

Parrish was now staring at him, the amused light back in his eyes. Lorne told himself firmly to just shut up before he made things even worse. He really needed to disassociate sex from plants.

They were saved from the awkward moment by the arrival of another visitor. The curtain parted to reveal Marianne, the sweet young nurse who'd come with the last Daedalus run. "I was asked to bring you this." She had a touch of confusion on her face as she handed him the little plate of jello.

It was purple. And, of course, wiggling in that seemingly-alive way that Jello wiggles. But, in case he was perhaps still too high to get it, someone had stuck some green toothpicks in the bottom of the bowl for roots.

"Cute. That's…very cute."

Parrish was biting his lip so hard Lorne expected to see blood. Marianne looked between them as if they'd both gone nuts.

He sighed, then just picked up the spoon and dug in. There was a poetic sort of justice to it. Revenge tasted like sugary grape.

oOo


End file.
